another one-of-those-days

i had one of those mornings.  the kind where i wake up not quite rested to children who are not quite listening.  the kind that can dangerously and quickly turn into one of those days.  i felt myself giving way to irritability, and only felt more irritable at my inability to "get over it."  no,... it's not the kids' faults, although, they do hold their share of responsibility for their own bad behavior.  but by the time i was getting the older two off to school, all i really wanted to do was get home and comfort myself.  in my mind, that meant, clean up breakfast and spend the whole day reading while keeping an eye on my other two, not-quite-feeling-well children.  and sulk.  i also wanted to do some of that.  

as i straightened up the kitchen in an effort to move on to the more comforting part of my day, i began to think about what exactly it is that causes mornings like these.  i like order.  i don't like anything that threatens to impede that order.  i don't have to tell you that the combination of early morning and 4 kids is not a catalyst for order.  i'm learning that, despite my longing for order, i can not (nor should i) control my children.  as infants and toddlers, maybe.  but mine have quickly left that phase of life and are dancing precariously into school-aged, pre-adolescent childhood.  and, as much as i love to watch them grow up, adapting to each new phase can be challenging.  despite my desire to force them into obedience, i now need to continue to instruct and then watch them make their own decisions... and then, of course, be there to either praise or discipline them based on the choices they've made.  

this thought process followed me as i emptied my dishwasher and loaded the breakfast dishes.  then it tagged along as i scoured the counters, wiped down the microwave, and vacuumed out the freezer (don't ask).  before i knew it, i had abandoned my planned date with the novel i've been reading for some serious housework.  by the time i had gathered up the towels for the laundry, scrubbed the bathtub, cleaned the bathroom floor, detailed the toilet with a toothbrush (really, don't ask), and cleaned the rest of the bathroom, i was no longer in search of comfort.  in fact, i was no longer irritable.  

by the time i was putting away yesterday's laundry, folding towels, and cleaning the toilet again due to another round of someone's explosive diarrhea (sorry...), i realized that wanting order is not a bad thing.  i just need to find order in more realistic places.  i can't control my children, but i can control my laundry.  obsessing over my child's every choice is not healthy or productive,... but scrubbing my bathroom is.  by lunchtime, my house was relatively clean and my mental health was restored.  

the house is quiet now and that book is calling me.  i think i'm gonna just step over the pile of matchbox cars in my living room, grab my book, and go sit for a while.