stuck between a blog and a hard place

i haven't been posting a lot lately.

it's not for lack of ideas. or things to say. i have lots of them. let's face it, i'm full of them. however, i'm stuck.

writing has always been my outlet. those who have known me the longest can attest to this. my hidden stash of spiral notebooks and bound journals can also attest to this. and while i was never particularly secretive about this hobby, i have always been rather selective about whom i would allow to read my "stuff."

somewhere in the last 5 years, technology forced out my handwritten journals and introduced me to the wonderful world of blogging. and i liked it. somedays it let me tell funny stories about my kids. other times it served as my outlet for the day's frustrations. then, on very rare occasions, it became my virtual soapbox. when i began, i blogged to a very small community of bloggers - fellow moms, mostly sahms, who could feel my pain - or, at least, laugh at it.

then came facebook. facebook has linked me to everyone, everywhere, all at once. and i like it. for someone who strives for efficiency at all costs, it has consolidated all my efforts to make contact and keep in touch with people from my past and present and has even allowed me to make new friendships. it's an amazing thing. but now i'm stuck.

being connected with everyone everywhere means that my "audience" is not what it used to be. and you know what i mean. say it on facebook and it's out there. for good. and anyone who didn't see it will be told by everyone who did. sometimes this helps to keep us informed. however (and this is more often the case) it can also contribute to the ever growing cyber-rumor mill. even admitting that pushes me precariously to the very edge of my non-confrontational comfort zone. and THAT is my problem.

i am a people pleaser. i like people to be happy - happy, in general, yes, but happy with me would also be fantastic. this doesn't work so well in a social network as accommodating as facebook. i've seen seemingly innocent status messages spark 100 comment-long debates. others complain to no end about other's "stupid application notices." i find myself wanting to send people messages telling them how to "hide" the things that bother them, simply because the tension becomes too much. i know, i know,... i sound like a pansy. maybe i am.

unfortunately, though, this has transferred itself to my blogging. throughout my day i think of things i'd like to write about... but then i also think about the gauntlet any such blog must run once it's out there. and suddenly, the way i handled my 5 year old at breakfast this morning is being read by other moms, yes,... but it's also being read by far away family friends and church leadership and random teenagers as well as the child's aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. i realize that none of that changes what did or did not take place at the breakfast table, but it does give one the feeling of having placed one's self under the microscope.

ok, so, yes, that's what blogging is. and, no, i don't have to make my blog accessible to everyone. but then that opens up even more controversy. let's say my blog is only read by other moms. let's even limit it to sahms. the amount of judgment and criticism (albeit, innocent and well-intentioned) within that audience is enough to induce a bout of writer's block. oh, i still know what i want to write about. but i have a hard time figuring out exactly how to word it.

consider these possible topics:

we debated over whether our 8 year old son should read this well-known series...

what??? you let your child read that?

OR

what's to debate? just be glad he's reading.

the kids have been sick. we went to the chiropractor...

are you kidding? a chiropractor?

so, then we had our flu shots...

flu shots?? are you crazy?

the kids picked out really cute costumes for halloween.

halloween, huh? we'd never let our kids do that...

but we took them to church for a halloween-alternative party...

halloween alternative? why do you need an alternative to dressing up and getting candy?

i'm tired of fighting with my 5 year old about what she wears to school...

children need to express themselves without restrictions.

OR

fighting? with a five year old? my children know better than to argue with their authority figures.

no, as a matter of fact, our kids don't play any sports or take any classes.

what do they do, then? they need time for themselves and to be involved in competitive activities...

last sunday, i took my daughter to a birthday party...

a birthday party? on a sunday? hmm...

so, i am thinking about doing "X" but i need to see what my husband says...

what your husband says? you're a grown woman!

OR

should you really be doing anything else? your family is your priority.

i could go on. and honestly,... none of these things are meant to target any one specifically (although i've gone back over this a few times, nervously wondering if i've worded it right or if anyone will find this post offensive... seriously, it's an illness) i've come to the conclusion, however, that many of us have the same thoughts. the rest of you just don't dwell on it for unhealthy amounts of time. i mean, we can call it "social networking" but aren't we making ourselves very vulnerable when we put all manner of opinions and thoughts and feelings "out there" to not only be read by the 20 people we talk to on a regular basis but also the boy we went to kindergarten with and mom's work friends and cousin Ann's boyfriend and the church secretary and... you see my point.

of course, all this only means something if you actually care what people think. and i can hear that now... "why do you care so much???"

well, i don't know.

but i do.

and i don't think that's bad.

but i think i need to learn to be able to write without fear.

and share even when it might challenge what someone else thinks.

but first, i may need a stiff drink.

what? you drink???

see what i mean?